To Exist is to Be Brave, To Fight for Existence Takes Courage and Patience

To my friends and family that have always supported me or have come back to me at some point in my life, I thank you. I've been a lot luckier than most of my peers in the Transgenger community.  A lot of times we feel like God or the universe or whoever is responsible for our situation has "made a mistake."  Especially when it comes to justifying ourselves to a conservative individual or community. For those that are struggling to regain or repair family ties, and everyone out there who doesn't understand why or how we feel, I will propose this:

We have been given the great honor of suffering, to show that God did not make a mistake. But rather, he has burdened us ("his children") with a message to give to the world. So as not to judge those that are our fellow human beings, regardless of gender, sexuality, preference, or orientation. It is only his duty to judge our human kind and the actions we commit while carrying these blessings that we've struggled with as graciously as humanly possible.

Dream Waltzing

Dancing inside,
but I don't have to move.
Just let me lead,
cause this moment's meant for you.

I have no rhythm,
I have no reason,
to be worthy of you.
But I'll rhyme my way,
into whatever gets me through.

Cause with each step,
and with each twirl,
slip into your heart,
while mine's still beating still.

Let each touch be another start,
broken hearts beating to life's march.

Can't promise that,
I'll always be on beat.
But take my hand
and I'll show you what love is meant to be.

As Always, You're Last to Know

Mon cheri,
I'm as beautiful as you dreamed that I could be.
Discouragement is my enemy,
But I won't let your scars get the best of me.

I loved you once,
But I've pulled out the pieces
Of all your indignity,
All of my weakness.

You're worse than I remember,
And I'm wiser than you thought I am.
You made your bed,
let me tuck you in.

Feel free to dream of me.
Though I'm not coming back.
I don't give my love out for free.
Sweet dreams.

To Have Wings and The Sea, My Soul Seeks

To live on the coast,
Feel the breeze of the sea,
Salt in the air,
Then I swear I'll be free.

I live in a desert,
Void of water and tides,
I can't say that it's not beautiful,
But the ocean is where my heart lies.

It's in my heart and my soul,
Plastered all over my walls,
Decorative and figuratively,
Longing echoes in these halls.

I thought I heard seagulls yesterday,
After 10 hours in an office,
A whole day wasted away,
Without regard for what I wanted.

If I could be any creature,
Whether real or fantastical,
I would be a bat or a seagull,
To have wings would be magical.

I could fly coast to coast,
Or just up and down the beach,
Watching and waiting,
As the tides roll in and recede.

I Refuse to Say Til Death Do Us Part

I refuse to say til’ death do us part.

Because you never know what is going to happen.

And honestly,

I don’t believe existence ends when you take your last breath.

I could die tomorrow,

Or God forbid you die before I do.

Just know that,

Not even death can keep me from you.

Death will not part us,

As long as my existence continues in this universe,

I will be by your side,

I will find you,

I am infinitely yours.

My birthday is tomorrow,

We’re still young,

But years are passing by.

And as they do,

Know that I’ll never ask for material things or money,

I’ll only ever ask for you.

I’ll wait my entire life for you to find me somehow.

Or if I have to I will find you.

I’m living for the only thing I know that I desperately want

The only thing that I can’t live without.

Just know that it’s you.

How Do I Get Your Attention?

I'm not on fire,
but my world's going up in flames.
Choking on smoke now,
smoldering years now,
we're both to blame.

I yelled loud,
I screamed you out.
You left twice,
and I broke down.

And when you came back,
I didn't trust you
I didn't know,
how this would go.

I didn't know,
what you wanted.
It's you I've wanted all along.

But then I got retarded,
started doubting you
started playing to my own tune.

I found a girl,
who said she cared,
wanted more than just a one night stand.

So, I let you go,
because I thought she'd be,
 good for me.
But she let me down.
And now I'm all alone.

Maybe that's how my soul is meant to be.
Forever wandering.
Maybe I should be
Tim Burton's muse,
Cause this dark soul's got nothing to lose.

So, I met a girl.
She said she cared for me.
Said she'd take this heart that's yours,
and cradle it
carefully.

But nows she's gone
without a trace,
and so are you,
and I'm the only one to blame.

Why did I fall in love.
Why do I have to care so much.
For someone who,
 doesn't know,
doesn't care when I need her the most.

I'm crazy!
I have to be crazy and a masochist.
Because I refuse,
To let you go,
because I never wanted this.

I wanted you.

I am yours if you'll have me.

I've had so many opportunities to be 25,
to conquer queens,
but that's not me,
not who I am.

And each time that I find the one,
she's not interested.
I feel the longing inside me,
but it's not there for her.

I am yours.

I am yours.

I've always been yours.
And I always will be.

Midnight Friend

I promised myself tonight,
that I'd write myself a happy poem.
One to offset all the negativity,
that's been bleeding out of me,
Since you left me all alone.

So, with best intentions meant,
I'm willing to commit,
to writing something silly,
Though I still won't feel content.

The other day when I,
was walking through the trees,
I felt the earth speaking all around me,
breathing life back into me.

I climbed up onto the top,
of a mountain in the city,
lights shimmering for miles.
Despite my sadness,
They were pretty.

A noise behind me took me by surprise,
a snapped twig,
And in the brush,
a twitching tail and two glowing eyes.

Most have been afraid,
but I've lost all sense of fear.
Maybe something's off now in my brain,
But I called it to come near.

It stared at me in the dark,
as I stared down at the city,
probably wondering what I was doing
"Here kitty, kitty?"

Of course he didn't answer,
But he never left my side.
I could have been his dinner
He could have taken my life.

But we sat there in the dark,
Neither of us threatening or in fear
Maybe he just needed someone near
I told him my sad stories,
and he lended me his ear.

So, there's my happy poem.
It's the most I could muster up for now.
About my midnight mountain lion friend
who stood strong behind my back
when the world felt like it as falling down.