Flying Over Fences

Why does it seem as though
I need intoxication
to feel like a real person?

Why can I not be whole and brave
without the high?

I can't seem to find the courage I need
when I'm sober because,
I hide behind
a smile, a laugh, and kisses good bye.

Just another way
my anxiety buys me more time.

Still,
I realize
I'm off on the wrong key.

I know I'm handsome and funny.
I've been granted a blessing.

Hazel eyes that keep missing,
The beautiful wings
I've been given to fly.

Fly
Fly
Fly
Fly

It plays over and over again in my mind

Fly
Fly
Fly
Fly

I can fly?

How long have I had wings?

One Night

Last night I dreamt of you.
You wrapped me up in strings made of orange juice.
A dream so bizarre it couldn't have any possible meaning.
But I suppose to me it did.
As you were measuring the angles of my broken ankle
with strings drenched in vitamin C,
I realized that you were healing me.

I've been broken for so long and you come along and, in a week's time, you don't fix me, but you open my wounds.
Its painful and it hurts.
Because now, the world is draining pus filled blisters I've been hiding under blankets of secrets and tattooed scars.
But infection was setting in,
And my soul was in eminent danger of festering.
In dire need of a good lancing and cleansing.

It was so easy when I felt nothing.
I didn't feel or know my loneliness.
I didn't ache,
I didn't cry,
I didn't truly laugh or feel joy either
But I didn't have to.
One night of holding you close,
Feeling your heart beat,
Feeling mine race
And my breath getting caught while the need to breath deeper and faster caught me off guard.
One night,
And I feel it all seeping in.
Everything I've been running from and hiding from.
Everything I swore I didn't want , didn't need and didn't care about.
But for some reason the world decided that I needed you.

Its hard to explain,
And I'm scared,
And I hate this part.
All the purging and stitching.
This itching and scratching as emotions start flowing through my veins again.
But the fate monster says its time,
And when he says its time,
There's no stopping it.
He knows what he wants.
And he gets and does what he wants.
So, he sent you.

You'll never know what you've done because I'll never tell you.
I'll never know how to repay you.
But once I make it through this,
After all the rehab,
The shaking,
The crying,
The screaming,
The dying over and over again on the floor
Maybe we can try again.

But now is not the time,
And maybe there never will be a right time.
If there never is, well then, that's OK.
Because One night,
With you asleep in my arms,
When I didn't want it to mean anything.
You gave me back everything.