Repetition

Just keep adding up,
Adding up
Adding up.

All your broken hearts,
Broken hearts,
Broken hearts.

With your shallow love,
Shallow love,
Shallow love.

Just a victim of your shattered heart.

I can remember the days
when you took my breath away.

Can you rember that day,
when I asked you to be mine?

Because all the time,
we were together,
I was blind.

Every moment,
every second,
I was destined to decide.

What would I do,
When you weren't there?

What would i do,
When no one else could compare.

The love that we had.

The love we made.

The love you promised
Was one that wouldn't fade.

It's now gone.
And it's lost.

Something that can't be replaced.

I'll spend eternity loving a soul,
a beautiful soul without a face.

Love Binding Remains

If i write you something obscene.
Will you look at me differently?

For I am not the man you want me to be,
But a deviant I am,
In search of my fellow being.

I cannot proclaim that I have done no harm,
I cannot proclaim that I will keep you from harm.

But I can promise you this.
You shall never be harmed with my soul.

As it exists for you,
The only love I trust as true.

You are mine,
I am yours.

Forever of course.

I admit,
It's been hard to commit.

But your love is true,
I can't deny you.

I am broken and spent,
Forever I am bent,
Forever impotent, but I am yours.

Oh, I am yours.

Never can a child,
Be born from my own blood.

But I will love it just all of the same.

Blood doesnt matter
With families made.

Love's binding
And all that remains.

Wishful Thinking This Holiday

In times of disparity, you let your soul bleed.... please dont take me for weak.  I'm just a man in love.... if  anyone has a cure, im open for advice donations.  

So, it's the holidays.  I was putting up my tree and i found Yvette and my ornaments. I have tried to cope with her being gone a million ways.   But in all honesty, there isn't one thing on this earth that makes my whole enitre being light up like she does.  (I know thats stupid.  Maybe pathetic.... you can block me if you want.  Thats your right.)  But honestly, my wish for this christmas doesnt aquate to anything material.  I just want someone, anyone, to let Yvette know that ive not given up and that i still love her.  I am proud of her and will always support her.  And that i will never, ever love anyone the way that i love her.  I wont settle for anyone less than her.  And if i have to, i will die still loving her.  Im hers.

Its a pathetic message... im sorry.  But if you can relay it more gracefully, well, i trust you.  Happy holidays my friends.

Sand Dunes in an Hourglass

Stoneman quiet in the city.

A whitefish in a puddle. 

Quiet and amiss, 

Im writing from an alley. 

Dreaming of the seaside,

And you're hand locked with mine.

Solace in two heartbeats, 

Grottos frozen in the tides. 

Two lives energy-efficient, 

Locked together for all time. 

Miss you're face smiling in the moonlight, 

And our palace so surreal. 

Yet real,

But lost in the sands of time. 

Just a Ramble

The world of Facebook and everything on the internet combined:  I am transgender.  I am not afraid of life.  I will conquer every challenge, I will fight.  Not for myself, but for those that are blind.  Being born such as I have, is not something that I've not battled with inside.  I was raised as a body of Christ, and I have risen from the shadows despite, what the world has criticised. I am me. The only version of this life.  A battle I'm meant to weather. Not been asked or for my opinion to decide.  I will fight until my death because I truely believe, in a God that isn't hateful, but who made me into the man that I am supposed to be.

An Unexpected Storm

I'm not there,
but so hopefully
I am yours.

You're not here.
But rain drops on my chest,
remind me to rejoice.

I am yours,
Rain falls on my chest that is bare.

You're not here,
but I still hear your voice.

In my ear,
because I don't have a choice.

I am yours.

Feel Love Rushing in Your Veins

Girl just let it take you over.
I am yours without composure.

Yeah, just let me take you over.
Tingling in your body,
I will never take more than,

What you are worth,
What i have done,
What you want,
I'll be your only one.

Four days on the beach,
Girl, forever I will sing,
Out of tune and harmony.

Because with you,
I've become the the man I' ve mean to be.

Accept the man that I've become.
Because he wants nothing more than us.

You're guiding force that lights
A fire up inside.

You and me,
I am yours.

Harmony and breath,
Shared in a moment.

I am yours.

Let us be just what we are.

We're in love.
You've healed my scars.

Just let it be
because my soul is yours.

I'll be waiting on the seaside,
To guard your heart because it's mine.

Until it's over,
I'll stay sober.

Until it's over,
I'll be sober.

The waves crash at our feet.
As fate's gaining down on me.
But moments true and so sweet,
Made me into the man that I'm meant to be.

It's not over.
Until you say that it is.
And once you,
I can't turn back,
Because now,
You're a part of me.

I miss the wind in my face,
The salty air in your hair.
Your breath in my ear.
Sleep means dreams that you're there.

Yeah, it's not over.
I can't stay sober.
Until you're with me every moment,
because you're love is more than closure.

It's who I'm meant to be,
It's all I see.
The man I was born to be.

But with you only.
I'll be yours
Or I'll be lonely.

Because deep inside,
You awakened a man
that I never knew that I'd become.

Let me make you mine.
Let us tell the world that,
you are better than,
dreams could imagine.

Just lay with me,
just be mine tonight.

Just be mine tonight,
And I'll be your for life.

Four Days Deep

So sentimental,
So true.
How can I
Walk away from you.

4 days spent on the beach
and in a motel room.
caressing sweetly,
making love,
in a city just as beautiful as you.
So gentle
and so true.

I see the gold on the beach
and feel your hair on my cheeks.

I see your art on my walls
and feel your heartbeat next to me.

Another existence in time.
Another life,
I've been blind.

Searching for love,
Searching for life.

You were meant to be mine.

So, I'll never let go.

My past and future,
calling your name.

Yeah, I'll never let go
You found life deep inside me.

A feeling inside,
so raw and so true.

Because in life,
the past and future collide.

What is life
but the wind
flying over the trees
the ocean and waves
crashing down at our feet.

Seagulls dare to believe
that were more than we think.
We were born to be free,
come be happy with me.

No, I'll never let go,
because you belong with me.

To Exist is to Be Brave, To Fight for Existence Takes Courage and Patience

To my friends and family that have always supported me or have come back to me at some point in my life, I thank you. I've been a lot luckier than most of my peers in the Transgenger community.  A lot of times we feel like God or the universe or whoever is responsible for our situation has "made a mistake."  Especially when it comes to justifying ourselves to a conservative individual or community. For those that are struggling to regain or repair family ties, and everyone out there who doesn't understand why or how we feel, I will propose this:

We have been given the great honor of suffering, to show that God did not make a mistake. But rather, he has burdened us ("his children") with a message to give to the world. So as not to judge those that are our fellow human beings, regardless of gender, sexuality, preference, or orientation. It is only his duty to judge our human kind and the actions we commit while carrying these blessings that we've struggled with as graciously as humanly possible.

Dream Waltzing

Dancing inside,
but I don't have to move.
Just let me lead,
cause this moment's meant for you.

I have no rhythm,
I have no reason,
to be worthy of you.
But I'll rhyme my way,
into whatever gets me through.

Cause with each step,
and with each twirl,
slip into your heart,
while mine's still beating still.

Let each touch be another start,
broken hearts beating to life's march.

Can't promise that,
I'll always be on beat.
But take my hand
and I'll show you what love is meant to be.

As Always, You're Last to Know

Mon cheri,
I'm as beautiful as you dreamed that I could be.
Discouragement is my enemy,
But I won't let your scars get the best of me.

I loved you once,
But I've pulled out the pieces
Of all your indignity,
All of my weakness.

You're worse than I remember,
And I'm wiser than you thought I am.
You made your bed,
let me tuck you in.

Feel free to dream of me.
Though I'm not coming back.
I don't give my love out for free.
Sweet dreams.

To Have Wings and The Sea, My Soul Seeks

To live on the coast,
Feel the breeze of the sea,
Salt in the air,
Then I swear I'll be free.

I live in a desert,
Void of water and tides,
I can't say that it's not beautiful,
But the ocean is where my heart lies.

It's in my heart and my soul,
Plastered all over my walls,
Decorative and figuratively,
Longing echoes in these halls.

I thought I heard seagulls yesterday,
After 10 hours in an office,
A whole day wasted away,
Without regard for what I wanted.

If I could be any creature,
Whether real or fantastical,
I would be a bat or a seagull,
To have wings would be magical.

I could fly coast to coast,
Or just up and down the beach,
Watching and waiting,
As the tides roll in and recede.

I Refuse to Say Til Death Do Us Part

I refuse to say til’ death do us part.

Because you never know what is going to happen.

And honestly,

I don’t believe existence ends when you take your last breath.

I could die tomorrow,

Or God forbid you die before I do.

Just know that,

Not even death can keep me from you.

Death will not part us,

As long as my existence continues in this universe,

I will be by your side,

I will find you,

I am infinitely yours.

My birthday is tomorrow,

We’re still young,

But years are passing by.

And as they do,

Know that I’ll never ask for material things or money,

I’ll only ever ask for you.

I’ll wait my entire life for you to find me somehow.

Or if I have to I will find you.

I’m living for the only thing I know that I desperately want

The only thing that I can’t live without.

Just know that it’s you.

How Do I Get Your Attention?

I'm not on fire,
but my world's going up in flames.
Choking on smoke now,
smoldering years now,
we're both to blame.

I yelled loud,
I screamed you out.
You left twice,
and I broke down.

And when you came back,
I didn't trust you
I didn't know,
how this would go.

I didn't know,
what you wanted.
It's you I've wanted all along.

But then I got retarded,
started doubting you
started playing to my own tune.

I found a girl,
who said she cared,
wanted more than just a one night stand.

So, I let you go,
because I thought she'd be,
 good for me.
But she let me down.
And now I'm all alone.

Maybe that's how my soul is meant to be.
Forever wandering.
Maybe I should be
Tim Burton's muse,
Cause this dark soul's got nothing to lose.

So, I met a girl.
She said she cared for me.
Said she'd take this heart that's yours,
and cradle it
carefully.

But nows she's gone
without a trace,
and so are you,
and I'm the only one to blame.

Why did I fall in love.
Why do I have to care so much.
For someone who,
 doesn't know,
doesn't care when I need her the most.

I'm crazy!
I have to be crazy and a masochist.
Because I refuse,
To let you go,
because I never wanted this.

I wanted you.

I am yours if you'll have me.

I've had so many opportunities to be 25,
to conquer queens,
but that's not me,
not who I am.

And each time that I find the one,
she's not interested.
I feel the longing inside me,
but it's not there for her.

I am yours.

I am yours.

I've always been yours.
And I always will be.

Midnight Friend

I promised myself tonight,
that I'd write myself a happy poem.
One to offset all the negativity,
that's been bleeding out of me,
Since you left me all alone.

So, with best intentions meant,
I'm willing to commit,
to writing something silly,
Though I still won't feel content.

The other day when I,
was walking through the trees,
I felt the earth speaking all around me,
breathing life back into me.

I climbed up onto the top,
of a mountain in the city,
lights shimmering for miles.
Despite my sadness,
They were pretty.

A noise behind me took me by surprise,
a snapped twig,
And in the brush,
a twitching tail and two glowing eyes.

Most have been afraid,
but I've lost all sense of fear.
Maybe something's off now in my brain,
But I called it to come near.

It stared at me in the dark,
as I stared down at the city,
probably wondering what I was doing
"Here kitty, kitty?"

Of course he didn't answer,
But he never left my side.
I could have been his dinner
He could have taken my life.

But we sat there in the dark,
Neither of us threatening or in fear
Maybe he just needed someone near
I told him my sad stories,
and he lended me his ear.

So, there's my happy poem.
It's the most I could muster up for now.
About my midnight mountain lion friend
who stood strong behind my back
when the world felt like it as falling down.

Let's Be Honest Now

Don't kiss me now,
These lips are poisonous.
Just hear me out (just hear me out)
I'll warn you bell (I'll warn you bell)
I'm dangerous!

I know I want to!
But I can't have you.
I don't have the right to choose,
If I am right for you,
My Karma's bleeding though...

And I can't have you.
(I can't have you)

Penicillin won't cure the pain.
Been infected for too long.
Pills taken now in vain,
as my throat begins to close up...

I can feel the holy bishop,
taking me to Europe!

Because he wants me,
to float see you floating in the Dead Sea,
Instead of staring at the stars in the rain,
bleeding my heart out to the world.

Wants you to rip this heart right out,
because forever longing without a heart,
Is worse than the pain of bleeding out.

It's just another day.

I know I want you,
and I know I can have you.
But I've lost the right to choose
when I buried 15 hearts,
and stomped the earth down with these boots.

I played too many games before I met you.
Didn't know what I was getting into.
Never thought that I would ever find you,
Never knew that I would be blind to
tricks and games played by someone just like me.
(Just like me)

So, I can't have you.
(I can't have you.)

I'll never have you.
(I never had you)

I'll never have you.
(I never had you)

Never have you...
Never had you.....

Sleeping Hollow

My body is aching,
and it's torn up to shreds.
Like corn from the Earth,
she steals life from my breath.

Cause there's pieces of her.
still embedded inside,
ripping and tearing my organs
like shrapnel and knives.

No rest and no peace,
she visits every night.
Then, come morning she's gone,
and new wounds come to life.

She's gone, and I know that.
To her, I'm just bones laying in a box.
But I can't love anyone else,
So, I'll live alone til' my life has been lost.

The Butterfly Effect

I tried to love you once,
I tried to love you twice.
Truth is that,
I've been in love this whole time.

Forgiveness and forgetting is what I've been aiming for.
Been living my life without you,
and my heart was so sore,
I was tempted by another,
now I'm alone and broken even more.

How do you justify,
a promise to follow your heart?
then get wrapped up in the moment,
because you've been so torn apart.

I was ready for the wind, the waves and to see your face,
I was finally ready to come and get you and get out of this place.
But then I went and fucked it all up,
because my heart wasn't willing to wait.

I gave up the love of my life,
for another that threw me away.
I should have known that was coming.
Karma's slap in my face.

I deleted your number because I figured you'd want it that way,
Now I'm blocked on your Facebook and Google,
Erased.

I have no way of telling you how sorry I am,
It was rude to tell you I'd be there,
Then tell you I met someone else,
and hope that you'd understand.

It's true we have a lot in common,
But I have this way of repelling,
all the girls that aren't you,
But that's my fault, I had it coming.

I tried to fill these holes you left me with 3 years ago
With the "safety" of another,
but she took what she wanted
and then she let me go.

I shouldn't have trusted,
a heart that's as broken and bruised up like mine.
I should have stayed loyal,
I was giving you time.

I was two seconds away from having another try
And I messed it all up
because I didn't want to lie.

You're the one that I dreamed of,
That first night after they opened me up.
I wanted more than anything to see you.
In my dream, you were singing.
But then I woke up.

And reality hit me,
When you asked to see me,
I didn't want to hurt you,
because I knew she'd be with me.

I pushed you away,
And now you're gone without a trace,
In just two minutes of my life,
I threw all my happiness away.

I'm sorry.

I Dare You To Drive Away, I'll Just Hold On Real Tight

I don't know what to do with you,
And I should because we're the same.
But I don't quite understand myself,
So maybe I'll never understand the way you think.

You've sacrificed a lot for me,
And I feel I have for you.
I recognize that your sacrifice,
for me has been multiplied by two.

One day I hope to be the guy,
That can do the same for you.
I plan on it in fact,
Because my heart just wants me to.

And I can't do that with money or material things,
Neither of us care for that,
But building a secure future
Is what I hope to gain.

You're mad at me now,
And I completely understand,
But I'm also mad at you
Because you're pissed I chose to work instead of being a horny man.

I have to do my job,
So I can be a family man,
Chasing the American Dream,
And maybe you don't give a damn.

But when I'm older and I'm 30,
I want to say I've done something with my life,
I might not have a child
And I might not have a wife.

It's not that I don't want to,
It's just that I'm picky and I won't settle.
I'll wait for what I want,
And fight for it until I've lost the battle.

I thought my searching was over,
And maybe I got too hopeful,
Because I'm laying in bed alone now,
Cause I chose not to come over.

We both have responsibilities,
We're not teenagers anymore.
You've been strung out helping me,
And I know I'm capable of being yours.

But right now I have to be stable,
Hold my head up high against a world,
That seems determined to push me to my limits and knock me to the ground.

But I'm fighting as hard as I can,
To balance my career and my time for you,
because I refuse to be a bum and knocked off of my feet
I want to build my life for two.
A life for you and me.

You're mad at me tonight,
But just know I'm also mad at you.
I'd rather wake up with you by my side,
But I've got to do what I've got to do.

I'm not mad that you left,
I'm mad at how you treated me,
"The offer has expired"
Well then if that's how it's going to be.

I don't really have much to say,
Maybe you're chasing the wrong dream
I'm not the kind of guy that likes restrictions and timelines
I'm the kind of man that need to be free.

I care for you so much,
I slipped up already and said just how I feel,
I took it back because it scares you,
And I don't want you to think that this isn't real.

But you hurt me tonight,
Because I'm not up for games,
I tried gambling with my heart once,
It left me broken, poor, and in pain.

I won't stop fighting for you,
Because that's just who am,
But know that I'm capable of sacrificing,
and I hope that one day when I prove it, that you will understand.

Hiccups

Temptations looming in the future,
a symptom of dramatic features.
And you're still tied down to a long past suitor,
thus patience replaces temptation as a resolution.

I'll wait for you a thousand years,
I'll wait for you
because fate's lead me here.
I'll be yours and you can be mine.
Forget our fears cause we'll be fine.

It's never going to to be easy.
love takes work and we're both crazy,
but come together an we'll make magic,
because our connection's more than just games and habits.

I'll be yours and you'll be mine,
give it time and you'll see it's fine.
Let go for me,
and I'll hold your heart,
protect it within my own through your fragile start.

I Would Kill for This, So I'll Wait

So, I decided that I don't care how long I have to wait for you.

My best days are the ones that include you.

I've been waiting for years to find someone,

who makes me feel the way you make me feel.

I'll wait because I know you're scared

and to be honest,

I am a little too.

I know your star chart says you need to wait,

but know that I care for you

more than I ever expected to care for anyone ever again.

Although waiting and your star chart thing drives me crazy beyond belief,

I like you even more because of it.

I love all your little quirks like that.

They make you, you.

And I want you as exactly as you are.

So, just so you know,

officially,

as of this moment,

I am yours.

I'll wait as long as I need to,

to make you mine,

because I don't know what the future holds.

But at this point in my life and this point going forward,

I know I want to be yours.

And therefore I am if you'll have me.

As Lovers Go

I can't lie to you,
because I always tell the truth.
I'm just terrified to hand out business cards for my heart,
It's just easier to let that be my excuse.

I'll admit that I've been hesitating.
But I want you.
And I need you.
So, I won't let this opportunity go to waste.

Because there's there's this silly little smile
that likes to sprawl it's way across my face
when I think of you
and when your memory drifts through my mind.

I'll be yours if you'll let me,
but you already know that.
You just want to hear me say it.
and just for you I could.

You could have your choice of a million boys,
and I could charm a million girls to to my bidding.
But I want you.
Because I've chosen you.

You see, there's this feeling that I get inside,
and it's so real and so honest,
that it makes me terrified.
but what's life without a little risk,
to remind you that you're still alive.

We're both weird,
and we're both a little crazy.
But they match up so perfectly.
So, why not give this a good run through.
We can see what happens.

I'm not looking for complicated.
I'm looking for easy.
I'm looking to laugh and smile with someone,
Someone who will keep me up just a little bit later at night
because I just can't seem to get you off my mind.

Coming Clean

Strips of skin covered veins,
with organs, lungs and a heart.

Once upon a time,
your touch on my skin,
set a fire in my veins,
wound and bound up my organs,
stripped my lungs of it's breath,
and stole my heart.

You used to be an addiction,
but now I'm coming clean
purging my veins of your poisons
intoxication being striped from me piece by piece.

Tearing strips of skin away to operate on myself,
unwinding and unbinding organs
willing my lungs to breathe new breath
growing a new heart.

I will purge myself of you.
Piece by peaceful piece.

Before I woke this morning,
I dreamed of an ocean
full of waters
pure, peaceful, clear.

And I can't say that it's nice
to not have to miss you tonight,
because we were epic.
And we always will be.

I remember ecstasy tearing through my being,
but the time to clean has come.

I only ask,
that you don't resent me
because the us we were will forever
and always be missed.

My apologies
because I fear
that is something I can never cleanse.
It will always be a part of the man that I am.

11:51pm Spark

Is it okay to be mad?
to be angry?
to be upset?
That I don't trust because of you?
To want to hate you?
Though I've held onto a love for you for so long?

You say nice things to my face.
But you don't know me anymore.
And I think I'm done hanging on for you.
Who you used to be.
Didn't match with the man that I've become.

You'd just take me for granted.
But I won't let you push me around.
Because I have a backbone now.
You can thank yourself for that.

This will be my summer.
A Phoenix in the sun,
I'll rise from the ashes.
Sail under the burning fire of what we lost.

Reborn, I will show you how,
I even though I missed you
while you were looking for yourself out in LA
I've been moving forward.

I'm still stuck in your atmosphere.
And you're still in mine.
A true pain in my ass.
Because I don't think you're worth my time.

Still, there's a tiny spark.
One that needs my breath, my love, my soul
one that wants a fire to rage.
I try to ignore it but it's always there.

How do I let it fade to the background?
I know you're looking out for yourself.
And I'm looking out for me.
But sparks are dancing in a space unexplained.

Right now,
Complacent and miserable,
We ignore the subtle signs,
How long until our sparks collide?

parasitic?

I thought about
what it would mean to call you.
Then, I worried about spiders crawling through the line
and building nests in my ear.

Parasitic,
like your existence in my heart.
Why waste my love on you?

Three years later,
Your vanity,
I saw it polished brighter in the flesh than I'd ever seen it.

The idea of the person you could be,
the glimpse of a person I thought you were,
and the person that you really are,
they will never be the same.

Or at least for me,
you'll never let me know her again.

So, I'd say I miss you,
but I suppose there's no one to miss.

Thanks for the favor.
Maybe now, I can find peace.
Even if I never stop loving
the person I once thought I knew.

I'll Be Waiting

It was therapeutic
knowing I had someone like you to run into.
Cause I needed someone to save me from myself.
Piece by piece.

I pulled the stitches out on my own.
It may have been too soon.
But I didn't want anyone to know.
So, I super glued my splaying skin back together.

You say you're battling depression.
And I believe you.
I know that black hole.
That darkness, emptiness, the loneliness.

And I'm here for you.
I may have gone too far,
but the world will never know.
and you'll never see these scars because I am your rock.

Momma, you're breaking my heart again.
Dealing with a bad past,
doesnt mean you're destined for a failed future.
There's sunshine in the horizon!

Blackness may consume the east,
but white robes of redemption
are waiting for you in the west.
It won't be easy.

Not for you,
not for me,
But grab my hand and trust me,
because I swear my hands are steady,
and I'll never let go.

Til Your Setting Sun

I apologize for waiting so long,
to tell you all this.
Girl, I've been waiting years,
so hear me out,
cause there's not a word that I want you to miss.

Would you take this heart?
Even when it's old and gray?
I will stand by you always.
By you always.
Always, I swear.

Will you take me when I can't see?
I know you're beautiful.
And how I love it when you sing to me,
but I'll still love you when I can't see a damn thing,
and I'll still love you when you can't sing the same way you used to.

The sun is setting,
You're standing so close,
and how I want to steal that smile.
Steal it right from your lips,
and place it on mine.

I'm quiet,
and you're loud.
But I've heard that opposites attract.
And I can't help but drop it,
drop all doubt and react.

I'll be on the shoreline,
waiting on the coastline.
Where we were carefree,
where we were in love,
where time was endless,
as endless as the sea.

We won't be 20 and young forever.
Passion consumed us then.
We fought just as hard as we loved.
And I'll admit that I'm guilty.

But someday our beauty will fade.
And all we'll be left with is our heart and our brains.
So, I want to love you gently until we're 70.

And until we're 90,
up until we forget who we are
and what we loved each other for.
Only that we are eachother's rock.

That no matter what,
I'll be your constant.
Until you see your setting sun.
And when you do,
I hope you see those angels,
And, my love,
I hope you run.

Damaged at Best, My Apologies

Why is it that I seem so stuck?
Like I can't move forward without you.
Even when I've been making headway.
I feel like I've been unraveling for years.

I try to get stronger for you.
You left because I was broken.
I fear I still am.
I think I always will be.
The curse of my very being,
I'm afraid I was just made like that.

I keep thinking of you.
And even when I don't,
Knowing and secrets travel hundreds of miles to my subconscious.
How do I explain that and sound sane?

If we're not meant to be lovers,
Then what is it that we're meant to be?
Your the last person I wish good night to.
3 years down the road,
I still whisper "sweet dreams, I still love you" to the ceiling every night.

Time's supposed to fix me.
But I think maybe times not functioning correctly,
Or maybe that it's forgotten about me,
Because even with all the miles, the years, the avoidance,
I feel like you left just yesterday.

I'm still sitting there,
Legs pulled tight to my chest with my back pressed to the door
Of our now half emptied apartment
All traces of you erased except for a note declaring your official good bye clenched in my fist.
Breath everywhere but my lungs,
And a cocktail of pain and numbness like nothing I've been able to yet explain.

That feeling still lives in me.
Every single day.
More numbness than pain though.
Still, nothing feels the same.
I don't trust.
I don't love.
I don't cry.

Time stopped that day.
And I'm so sorry
Because it's all my fault.
And now, I'm trying my best to move on for you
Because I know that's what you want.

But the only thing I want to be is a better person for you.
And I know I shouldn't hope,
Or do anything for you.
I try desperately not to.
because it's not you that's the broken one.
But I still hope that I can make you proud one day
And maybe then you'll notice and give me just one more chance.

Still,
In the mean time,
Just in case,
In the dark,
Where no one can see me,
And when no one can hear me,
I'll always whisper "sweet dreams"
"I still love you"

With ounce of my being
 And with hope that the universe will carry my message to you by the moonlight.

Locked Up

You cut me open again.
Body stitched with traces of your sins.
A suffering easy to forget.
As narcissistic hearts use distance to forget.

I'm still a human being.
I'm still flesh and bone.
Born with a heart and soul.
Both meant for you alone.

Still, I wish that I,
wrote more happy songs.
Because in time,
rain and frozen snowflakes
fall from clouds and gray skies.

I wish things were like they used to be,
When we both just understood,
a love that was never ending,
in each other's eyes.

Vulnerable,
in the safety of each other's hearts.
But now we're out of sync,
eyes no longer destined to meet,
like they did before hatred twisted it's keys.

Limits

You didn't know your limits girl.
Tried to do too much at once.
Got swept away by the world.
Got caught up in having fun.

Now you've come back.
Calling for me.
Asking to be swept right back up off of your feet.
I'm the only good thing,
you've brought into your life.
The best man you've found.
The love of your life.

And this time you're sure.
But girl,
I've heard it all before.

It can't happen again.
I can't be the one.
Don't come to me.
Girl, with you I am done.

Forget my number,
forget my name.
I'd break down for you,
and I just can't handle the pain.

You have the options you've wanted.
The freedom to explore.
What happened to adventure?
What happened to finding more?

Just leave my heart here,
bleeding for you.
It's taken enough beatings.
It's all black and blue.

I can't be the man who saves you from his rage.
I've tried protecting your heart.
Now, it's mine I must save.

We didn't know our limits girl.
Tried to do too much at once.
Got swept away by the world.
Got caught up in having fun,

Is it my fault?
Did I toss you away?
Am I too sensitive at the end of the day?
Did I hold on too tightly?
Force you to go?
In the end, it doesn't matter, because I'll never know.

Because it can't happen again.
I can't be the one.
Don't come to me,
Girl, with you I am done.
Forget my number.
Forget my name.
I'd break down for you,
and I just can't handle the pain.

Go be with him.
He says it won't happen again.
See how it works out.
Best of luck to the both of you I send.

Contradictions?

Just let me sweep you off of your feet.
I'll show you what a real man should be.
Protect you from assholes who will break your heart.
Assholes like me.

I'm not saying I'm the best,
But teach me, and I'll teach you.
Teach you to love again.
Just hold on, and I'll hold tight for you.

I'm calling to pull you close.
Pull you in.
Hold on to me.
I'll catch  you in the end.

Let me be your distraction.
I'll let you be mine.
Good or bad?
We'll see in time.

700 Miles

I know that I’m soft spoken.

And I know it’s time to go.

I’ll make my way across the room,

to denounce my presence again, from you.

It’s late, and I’ve been walking on back roads.

Searching for old bottles and weird walls.

Taking photos just to prove some relevance of an artist.

So, that you don’t see anything but me walking tall.

Like some kind of seed, I’ll plant myself in your mind.

Please water me at night.

And open the blinds in the morning.

And remember I’m somewhere lost inside a room without a light.

A weekend to put a puzzle to start.

Questions of silence.                   

It’ll be such a shame for us to part.

Just when the sun shines on our seedling so bright.

Anstis' Journey Into Negative World

In a negative world
black skies pour light in black paint
shatter assumptions
and confusion reigns.

Critical clues of the world
facial features and expressions
shapes and depth are subverted
and the result is illusion.

What It Means to Dream

Please do not wake me.

For now, I am in a world all my own, created and empowered by my own subconscious and deepest thoughts.

A dark, mystical world where the conformity and constraints of reality can be ignored and anything is possible and free to occur.

I fly through a mist on a warm summer's night over the white waves of the rocky shore of an island on the Pacific.

I run through the streets, naked as a newborn, free as a bird and no one seems to provide a passing glance.

I stare into a lake of unknown creatures entombed in a murky, muddy water as I glide over the small body to the other shore.

I get onto a terrifying rollercoaster that shoots me into a never ending vertical drop.

I change the layout of well known buildings to connect with them and make them my very own.

I make love to an unknown yet perfect person.  Pure intentions and sweetness linger on my lips and emotions tug at my core for more, more, more. Until alas she is gone...

I drive at a speed not yet measurable to man as I look for my past and yet find a labyrinth of asphalt suspended hundreds of feet in the air without supports, suddenly ending as fate is handed to me. 

I get lost in a maze of childhood memories, in a series of tunnels of incredible colors, and the only way out, once it is found, is the very same never ending roller coaster of an almost impossible vertical drop.

I run from unknown creatures as I walk through a forest that will one day be my hell.  Filled with glowing, neon creatures of the night, buried beneath the Earth's surface so as to hide it from humanity and prevent one exiting the bowels of such fear, pain, anguish, and agony.  The whole place stinks of broken souls.

I scramble to retrieve my books as the clock moves faster and faster yet my motor skills fail me as I move at the pace of one who's been swallowed up in quicksand.

Then, finally, I'm walking along the cool sand of the Atlantic in a brisk breeze possessing such liberation only characteristic of that of the of the early morning hours.  As I watch the sun rise above the great, tumbling waters of the sea before me, I am reborn again.

These are what I dream.

My fantasies of such dynamic adventures that they cannot be ignored.
And I love each one, as each instills a certain emotion within my soul necessary to have made me the man I am today. An experience, a connection, a subconscious journey.  

Please do not wake me.  I'm only working

A Proposition

I'm not sane right now.
Stuck between you and insanity.

Let go with me.
Let me kiss you and take you to the stars.
Let me hold you and we'll fly away.

Take my hand and we'll watch the sunrise at the top of the Earth.
We'll have an out of body experience to the clouds.

Naivety or How It Should Be?

I feel you enter my soul.
I want to enter yours.

As breathing gets faster and harder,
as spiders take over my veins,
I'm intoxicated.
You're all I see.
You're all I want.

This is more than just physical.
I feel you deep in my soul in a different way.
This is how it should be.
This is what I was searching for.
There's more here. 

Eyes lock and roll back again.
Shivers run down spines.
breath cut short
backs arch
and the moment fills us
but does not control.

The sweet bond of such passion.
Under our control.
Meant for more than just the act.

If I Leave, I Bet You'd Wish I'd Stayed

I've collected vertebrates and fossilized teeth,
not to show you how creepy I am,
but to show you I've thought of you.

Every day since your magic water made the earth spring to life.
Your geo-something, something.
I swear I'd learn the proper verbiage if given one more afternoon.

Still, these hands won't stop shaking,
because I've been driving for 14 hours straight.
Screaming my lungs out to the wilderness about a lover 800 miles away.

Hairpin turns at 85 mph,
I'm playing Russin Roulette to some stupid ballads
That I hope for the sake of sick fate get stuck in your head.

30 Second Elevator Talk

Why do I believe in what you're not?

Why am I holding on to a life I should be letting go?

I suppose it's all about belief.
Maybe belief,
Maybe denial,
Maybe it's hope.

30 Second Elevator Talk:
I didn't want you to leave.
And I'm still angry with the way that you did it.
But I'm happy that you did.
And I'm proud of what you've done.
I'm happy that you're happy.
And I wish I wasn't still so full of holes and cracks,
so I could be there to see how strong you've grown.
Just know that these holes and cracks I'm holding onto are for you,
and I'm filling them with beautiful plants and flowers to make myself strong.

I think we were lovers in a past life.
That's why I can't get you out of my mind.
Why I feel this tether in my core perpetually tugging me toward the coastline.

2 sentences.
Or 2 statements of being
Or 2 questions
And a scrambled 30 second elevator talk

Being tattooed on a soul
means more than a skeleton key tattooed on a hide.

one last song

Just sing a song for me
Something soft and sweet
Just like you used to do
When we were young and free

You can add your beats
And you can add your pain
You can change my name
But, baby sing to me

Sing me a magic tune
To stop me in my tracks
Your voice it softens me
And melts my soul right through these cracks

It's true I've been ignoring you
Because you sing such hurtful words
Words to say good bye
And words that focus on my worst.

But I hope I'm still on your mind
And I hope now that we've grown
You can sing more happy songs
Cause two broken hearts can make a whole

I won't stop holding on
For just one more serenade
Just to know you think of me
And know amendments can be made

So, just sing a song for me
Something soft and sweet
Let nostalgia take us back
To laughter, love, and peace

Lover's Reunion Waltz

On the one hand,
When you see me,
Will you remember passion and wantonness?

On the other,
When I see you,
Will I remember desire and vulnerability?

On a third hand,
When I hold you,
Will I hold you tightly enough and remember to let go?

On a fourth,
When you touch me,
Will you tremble and forget to breath?

On a fifth hand still,
When you hear my whisper inches from your ear,
Will your body swoon into mine?

On a sixth,
When I hear you sing,
Will my heart beat it's way through my chest?

On a seventh hand,
When I kiss you,
Will my world still fall away so that everything makes sense?

And on a final eighth,
When you feel your lips on mine,
Will butterflies reignite our magic so that you can believe again?

Color Me Stein

I know I'm just a beachcomber
A man of straw
A triviality
A novelty with no nic or knack
And I'm not waiting for a kickback

Still,
A stroke of genius
Under halogen lights
These hands manifest obscurities
Blind to weaker minds

In a space where safety won't disintegrate
You'll be restored
And I'll be yours
Significant and serious
Notable in our delirium

I've taken on the task
Of unraveling the color blue
A shade that seems to frighten you
So I've stripped  it down to wavelengths
I'll be your color theory concubine.

a work in progress

The other day I felt my life with both my hands.
It felt like sinking my palms into a bed of grass
blades slipping through my fingers to sway in the wind.

The earth.
Much like a blade of grass,
we are born of the dust of the earth.

Fragile blades and beings as we are,
we are also resilient.

The reaper could have called me home.
Hell, I could have called to him from my doorstep if Id wanted to.
Still,
He would have gazed upon me and wailed a frustrated laugh.

Cheated.
No one likes to be cheated.
But to be cheated by death.
And to have been cheated so unknowingly.
Well I suppose that was a gift.

I still don't know what life truly is.
What it truly means to live.
Probably because of its relative definition,
But I know that I truly felt my life the other day.

It was suspended by strings and pulled up into the air before me.
I stared dumbstruck and with more curiosity than fear.
And when that reaper's scyth slid out from that rooftop,
I stared him straight in those hollowed out eye holes and dared him to do his worst.

The string was cut.
My life was falling. I reached out my hands to catch it,
And it began instead to fly.

It took a lap around the block before finally nesting into my palms.
Dust, wind, grass, life
All born of the earth.
All bound to the earth and its daily routines.
Who would have known that life could also feel so free.

Under a Willow

Wind and leaves
larks nesting in the trees,
paint a picture for me?

Of course I will.

In the world in which we live
it's not rare to find someone who's afraid of the unknown
just as much as I am,
but it is to find a Shore fan among them.

Over mutual fears,
figurative and not so figurative leaps and jumps,
stories of scars,
and accompanying satisfied sniffs,
two strangers found comfort through words on a screen.

I've been waiting for my next muse.
Paint a picture?
Of course I will.
It's the least I can do.
Just for a night.
Goodnight.

For You Friends

A cow and Chewie walk into a bar, what walks out?

......a yak
(Ba dum pah)

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

I hope I cross your mind
while you're floating in the Dead Sea.
Buoyant and stable on waters
just as salty and bitter as your memories of me.

A million miles away,
I'm sitting in the rain.
Talking to black skies,
the only thing that's still wrapped around me and you.

Words whispered into the night,
asking for another try,
you're half way around the world
in the heartland of prayer.
Can you hear mine tonight?

Eye Smiles. What did you see?

I remember those eyes smiling at me.
Staring up at me through those long beautiful lashes of yours,
face half hidden by the arm of the couch.
I couldn't see the smile peaking through your lips but the smile in your eyes had me transfixed.
Still,
It was the most beautiful eye smile I'd ever seen.

I didn't know what to think of you.
You were staring at me,
really looking at me,
seeing me.
Seeing past the good looks, the green eyes, a daring smile.
You roused confusion, apprehension, and intrigue like nothing that I'd experienced and have yet to experience again.

As apprehensive as I was,
I wanted those dark beautiful eyes to see me forever.
To look at me and stare me straight in the soul,
Because in that moment,
everything in me softened,
the rest of the world fell away,
my heart was naked
and I'd never felt so free.

I wanted so badly to kiss you.
That being said,
I must admit that I was certainly much too inebriated.
Still, a certain instinctual urge inside of me wanted to pull you close
and take what I wanted.
But I couldn't.
And I wouldn't.

You were different.
And a part of me responsible for self control suddenly grew a backbone stronger than I can explain.
I had to wait.
You were worth the wait.
Knowing at the time,
that there was a very large cloud of uncertainty surrounding the actualization of a future with such a beautiful woman come morning,
I would still wait.
A woman with eyes like those
that was capable of seeing me so
would be worth every second.

Actually,
It was probably only a few seconds that you stared up at me behind the arm of that couch,
But I see it all over and over again in my dreams
both sleeping and awake,
I swear it feels like hours.

Still,
It doesn't matter how long you stared,
how long I stared,
how long we stared.
Because in those few seconds, minutes, hours
I suddenly wanted to become a better man.

I'm well aware of how cheesy and cliche that sounds
and as I write this,
I hate that I can't find better words
because it truly is both cheesy and cliche.
But it's also the absolute truth.

I'd always wondered if declarations like that were true
Or if they were just the go-to cheeseball line for every popular romantic comedy to come out of Hollywood.
Oh the irony.

Nonetheless, I swear,
That night I wanted to kiss you,
feel your lips on mine,
but the thought of you closing those beautiful eyes
and stealing such an intimate physical moment from your breath seemed so wrong.
You were meant to be so much more than a drunken kiss.

Thus,
I kissed your hand and whispered you good night instead.
And as I lay down to sleep,
knowing that you were laying not more than two feet from me
I swear I stopped breathing.
And when breath finally found its way back into my lungs,
a million little fluttering sensations filled every ounce of my core.

This went on for some time,
my mind reeling
until the very moment when sleep consumed me.
Even then,
through the entire night,
I dreamt of those eyes
and the man I wanted you to see that I could be.

I Beg You to Make Sense of This

Do you still love me?
Now that you're gone?
Now, that I have a handle on,
the anger that scared you away?
Away from our perfect love?

Tink, tink
tick, tick, tick.
Tink, tink
tick, tick, tick.

I hear your heart repair itself,
and time pass as you move on.

Tink, tink, tink
tick tick.
Tink, tink, tink,
tick, tick.

You're in my veins
turning red blood into blue
bruising the envy that once kept me afloat.
Cause black blood's meant to flow through me.

But still my heart was,
once buoyant.
Buoyant just for you.

So,
I'll say sorry,
Sorry like the angel
I was good at pretending to be.

Though,
I know it's too late,
cause you have a sweet disposition
that's more honest than me and you.

Still,
I can't help hoping that
it dissolves the pain
of every mile that's been placed between us.

For every breath that's been breathed
waiting for you,
Fly.
Fly, so I can feel you.
Fly.
I need to feel you,
cause my heart's still broken.

On my knees now.
Not figuratively,
for the sake of a nice little poem
slopped onto a page.

I'm truly
writing this on my knees
still waiting for you,
cause you're the only one that I want.

And the dragonflies inside my head
won't let me move
till your hearts been joined with mine.

Leave the past behind,
let me always be yours.
Now it's yours

Absolute Value of X

Thunder claps in the desert,
and I smell your perfume.
Tip-taps on my shoulder
the rain carries me through
a maze of parched memories,
once more, now, in bloom.
Brings you back to my life,
as our laughs fill the room.

These walls echo a time
when love was still new,
rainy days spent in pj's
watching movies with you.
A gift from the heavens
we lay there all day.
Wouldn't move from that bed
'till the skies turned to blue.

Eyes spent more time closed
than glued to the screen.
Your lips pressed tight to mine
our feet tangled in sheets.
Rain poured down like magic
brought a chill to the air
in need of relief by
blankets warmed up by two.