Damaged at Best, My Apologies

Why is it that I seem so stuck?
Like I can't move forward without you.
Even when I've been making headway.
I feel like I've been unraveling for years.

I try to get stronger for you.
You left because I was broken.
I fear I still am.
I think I always will be.
The curse of my very being,
I'm afraid I was just made like that.

I keep thinking of you.
And even when I don't,
Knowing and secrets travel hundreds of miles to my subconscious.
How do I explain that and sound sane?

If we're not meant to be lovers,
Then what is it that we're meant to be?
Your the last person I wish good night to.
3 years down the road,
I still whisper "sweet dreams, I still love you" to the ceiling every night.

Time's supposed to fix me.
But I think maybe times not functioning correctly,
Or maybe that it's forgotten about me,
Because even with all the miles, the years, the avoidance,
I feel like you left just yesterday.

I'm still sitting there,
Legs pulled tight to my chest with my back pressed to the door
Of our now half emptied apartment
All traces of you erased except for a note declaring your official good bye clenched in my fist.
Breath everywhere but my lungs,
And a cocktail of pain and numbness like nothing I've been able to yet explain.

That feeling still lives in me.
Every single day.
More numbness than pain though.
Still, nothing feels the same.
I don't trust.
I don't love.
I don't cry.

Time stopped that day.
And I'm so sorry
Because it's all my fault.
And now, I'm trying my best to move on for you
Because I know that's what you want.

But the only thing I want to be is a better person for you.
And I know I shouldn't hope,
Or do anything for you.
I try desperately not to.
because it's not you that's the broken one.
But I still hope that I can make you proud one day
And maybe then you'll notice and give me just one more chance.

Still,
In the mean time,
Just in case,
In the dark,
Where no one can see me,
And when no one can hear me,
I'll always whisper "sweet dreams"
"I still love you"

With ounce of my being
 And with hope that the universe will carry my message to you by the moonlight.