To Fly

You know that feeling you get when you realize you can fly.

You hold your breathe.

Hold your breathe,

Hold your breathe,
suck in as much beautiful air as you can as you begin to decide how to mentally deal with your current situation...


It's terrifying because you're up so high,
Yet liberating knowing that you're not going to die.

You're dreaming,

And all of a sudden you're glidding.

Glidding through clouds over tough looking mountains.

What danger may be lurking in the darkness of the forest?

What magnificence is nature hidding below?

Who knows.

For you have wings.
Glide, twirl, whirle, and spiral.

Feel the rush of being unbound.

Hold Me Tight, Satisfy My Soul

May love be freedom to the beholder,
as wings are to a bat.

For bodies, minds, and hearts are all we truly are.
By giving away sole proprietorship of such to another,
to engage in a trusted partnership,
so as to trust another to hold sacred and protect,
these three truly individual and irrevocable assets,
we gain freedom in knowing,
our very existence, our memory, our legacy,
will forever be protected and kept safe by another.

As beings with an inevitable expiration date,
we make ourselves vulnerable to one another,
for, what is life
if you always remain safely tucked away,
and never experience the adrenaline,
the rush,
the exhilaration of leaping before you look?

I've leapt and fallen on rocks,
left broken bones behind.
I've leapt when all signs indicated that it would be safe,
and ended up drifting, blistering in the sun.
But now,
with all of the trust in vulnerability,
curiosity in uncertainty,
and commitment in mingling our beings,
I am floating through your atmosphere,
ready to rise with you as we approach oblivion.

I would rather rise than fall.

This is how my soul has decided to define love.
So seductive,
honesty and vulnerability caressing and calling me yours.
I want to be yours.
I have to be yours.
Hell, the universe already made me yours.
Time to be an US.
United Souls.

I love you.

Going to War to Become a Soldier

Very rarely do I like to rant publicly, but this is disturbing for me.  I applied to join The National Guard. Something most people, including my friends and family would think is insane.  But I know that's where I'm meant to be.  I've been searching for my passion for years, and I just have too many.  That's why I will (not I want) join the Special Forces and wear the uniform of a Green Beret with honor.  I know this is a highly selective and only the best make it into the SF, but I never give up.  I find something, and I make it happen.  Over 10 years ago, I wore a black hooded sweater everyday for almost a year.  In the sun, the heat, the indiana humidity.  I was uncomfortable and felt disgusting, but my bodys development was much more disgusting and uncomfortable than 97 degrees and 90% humidity.  I got asked why, I always found an excuse.  Anything to hide what I was becoming.  Later, I chopped off my brown wavy locks, started dressing in clothing that was what I wanted to wear, decided I was not afraid and will not be bullied for holding my girlfriend's habd in the halways.  I traded in my baggy sweater for a device called a binder.  The goal was to place enough pressure on your upper chest to "hide" my unwanted body parts.  It was certainly cooler, i could now wear t shirts, but i was in pain all day.  The pressure was uncomfortable, the binder had 3 panels of suppression, add a shirt and youre already at 4 layers.  I often had bruises and I had to actively try to get a full lungful of air.  A year later, I forever gave up the identity assigned to me at birth when I set out for college.  I started the long, deeply personal, and sometimes heart wrenching process of becoming the best version of me.  I didn't want to spend the rest of my life hiding.  It started with a year of therapy.  Being interviewed twice a month to establish my emotional stability and to obtain the super controversial "gender identity disorder." Though I highly propose that how i feel about my gender is not merely a diagnoses nor symptoms of this categorization.  It took me 2 years of waiting before receiving the letter I had been waiting for.  Thousands of dollars spent on therapy, hours of my life all for one piece of paper to find a doctor that would approve me for testosterone therapy.  My first doctor was farmiliar with individuals going through this process, but moved away suddenly without warning 6 months in.  I was left trying to find another who understood gender, hormones and that would work with me.  I found one finally, and refuse to see anyone else.  During the first year and a half of my hormone treatments, I developed an evil disease called endometriosis.  It felt like someone had put barbed wire into my abdomen and let rats free to run around and shake up the wire.  That was the worst pain I had ever been in up to that point.  I was in perpetual pain for a year.  I saw all kinds of doctors, they did all sorts of tests, but no one would help me.  The entire year of 2012 is a blurry mix of my monthly prescription of pain killers, smoking pot, and carrying around a bottle of clear tequila so it looked like i was drinking water.  This is the only way I could function and work.  It was either oblivion or writhing and literaly screaming for hours until I passed out.  I still ont know how I made it through. Eventually I found a doctor that would help me.  He specialized in treating transitioning patients through laproscopic surgery.  I recieved a full hysterectomy to remove the endometriosis that had spread to other organs, at that point and additional adjustments to make future surgeries easier.  I got my life back.  No more pills, alcohol, pot, and no more pain!  My voice was dropping, my face, chest, arms, even my feet began sprouting new and denser body hair.  My body shape changed with redistribution of muscles and fats.  I still had the binder because I could not afford another surgery, but things were looking up.  I was still self conscious, but I was happier than I was a few years ago.  I would find out later that I have a rare genetic clotting disorder exacerbated by the very testosterone therapy that was shaping me into the man I am.  The official medical diagnosis was Acute Cerebral Venous Sinus Thrombosis and a Retinal Vein Occlusion causing Optic Neuritis.  In laymans terms, I had a blood clot in a major vein that drains blood out of the brain once it has been pumped in, and one in my eye that was pressing on my optic nerve, affecting my vision.  This discovery process took almost 4 months and multiple doctors of different professions to figure out what was wrong.  My family doctor called while I was at work and said that I needed to go to the hospital immediately.  Once at the hospital, I went through several types of therapy and a ten day series of self injecting this terrible terrible anticoagulant that would make a bee sting feel like a tickle.  I now take blood thinners on a daily basis to compensate, but all of the doctors (my opthomologist, family practitioner, therapist, and neuroopthomologist all agreed on one thing:  something or someone out there was looking out for me.  I should have had pain, I should have had seizures, I should have completely lost my vision, I should have had a stroke, I should have cognitive degeneration, I may have even died.  Looking back, I was rather cavalier, but apparently I survived a very rare medical emergency where the morbidity rate is close to 50% and the chances of cognitive impairment for those that survive is about 44%. I lucked out on that journey and decided to finally just be and do me without fear.  I learned that my company insurance would cover a double bilateral mastectomy.  I sprinted at the chance because I knew i would have no other opportunity.  Withing a couple months, I was laying on a table, shaped like a cross, counting backward from 10 as my heart raced and my consciousness slipped away.  I woke up, still a little woozy from the medication, I was dead set on going home (a 3 hour car ride away).  My parents (whom I really have to thank for loving me so much and being there for me, not all of us are so lucky) proceeded to argue with drugged up me that we should stay in town for a night.  During that conversation, trying to act as normal and coherent as possible, the nurse noticed my chest swelling.  A major artery by my heart had ruptured.  They immediatly called the surgeon back but the anesthesiologist was already long gone.  I found myself again on the same cross shaped table, but this time a mask was placed on my face so I couldnt see and my wrists were bound to both ends of the cross.  My feet bound as well.  Without any counting back from 10, my heard pounding with excitement, or slipping away into nothingness, they opeppened me back up.  I felt it all, the scraping, spraying of some liquid, sucking, the cauterizing, the needles as they stitched me back up.  I tasted blood as I bit my lip.  I screamed and screamed.  I could hear everything they were doing.  I could smell the smell of my own flesh burning.... Endometriosis and bee-sting blood thinner injections will never compare to that kind of pain or that experience.
Shortly after, I navigated the long process of getting all of my documentation changed, aside from my gender marker on my birth certificate.  In the great racist, sexist, red state of Arizona, you must have full genital reconstruction in order to adjust that.  So, I did what I could.  Signed myself up for the mandatory Selective Service even.  Its been over a year now.  Im not scared, afraid, depressed, self conscious.  I am brave, powerful, strong, confident, happy, positive, driven, bold, and proud of the man I am.  I have been through a rare, if not incredibly challenging, physically painful, mentally painful and emotionally painful journey so far.  And I am only 26.  I am confident that there is no challenge that I cannot overcome.  I am mentally strong enough to stay calm in high stress situations and be honest with myself and emotionally strong enough to be honest with myself and keep a level head.  And physically, I am happier with my body than I have ever been.  With some training, I am in pursuit of being the best version of me that I am capable of being.
Now with all that being said, some old guys in Congress, Senators, lobbyists, protester, and even our President (the most powerful man in the world), cannot say that they have been through the kind of agony I have endured tell me "You Cannot Serve, The Military and the Army does Not Accept Transitioned Transgendered Individuals," I put my foot down! I tell you my gender identification has nothing to do with the fact that I WANT TO SERVE.  Still, you say no to one of this world's bravest, toughest, and determined people in the world.
I plan on changing that.  I WILL serve.  I WILL fight for my right to do so.  I WILL not let the progress I have made in becoming the powerful human being that I am today, go to waste.  Normally you become a Soldier to go to War.  I am going to War to become a Soldier!

Looking at a blank piece of paper,
I cant help the fact that I'm wanting.

A physical connection thats not politically correct,
But something desirered all the same.

For love is the answer.

And i swear not to abandon.

The love that i have made.  A love i cant evade.

I am who i am. A man that loves a being for who they are.

Please god bless this broken heart.

An Eclipse to Know the Truth

I placed a blessing on the moon tonight,
In hopes that it will forgive me of the lives I've no right to.

So many single souls,
I've lead on but not fulfilled.

A tragedy of my own,
Struggle for independence,
It may seem.

Maybe i don't know how to love,
Dont know to commit.

Afraid of what I could be,
Should time present,

A soul loving and decent,
Kind and refined.

Not knowing that
How to find a candidate?

Hope A Four Letter Word, Won't Let Me Let Go This Time

Sitting here eating quiona,
A blessing that you introduced to me.

A memory in time.
Never can forget the misery.

You left without a trace,
Just pictures in blue frames.

I keep them hidden in a packback in my closet,
Along with your jar of hearts.

Watching dark movies,
Waiting on dark shadows.

I fill the void with drunken drives,
And the things that kill a man in life.

The things that tempt me to forget,
They remind me everytime.

Of a love i can't forget,
Is one you've forsaken in this life.

Hope is a four letter word,
But it seems that i will never rid it from my mind.

An Inspirational Moment to Stop and Smell the Flowers

Poor guy just wants to swim.  Doesnt understand that it's just a puddle.  I love animals :) so innocent and filled with joy.  It's the little things in life.

Birds Chirpin Hell On Wheels

Sacrificial love.
Unwavering,
Unfading.

In times of hardship,
I'll be there waiting.

Committed love,
So sure and so patient.

Admitance of an absence
In your presence is soul changing.

To feel a kiss on my lips,
As pure and as honest as his.

To feel her brush on my cheek,
So gentle and so sweet.

To feel a flutter deep inside,
Grab me by the weakness I try to hide,

Makes me vulnerable to love,
Such beauty cant be denied.

Body Heat

Body heat.
As humans we radiate energy produced solely buy the muscles of our hearts.

We share this heat with the ones that we love.

In times of closeness
and in times where the need to survive is paramount.

No all creatures on earth can produce such life giving energy,
we are fortunate to have the metabolism to produce our own heat.

Think of a fire in your own hearth,
and how it warms you so.

Cozying up to one another,
despite the cold windows.

Our bodies do the same.
Though not as dramatic,
but it connects us as beings.

Holding someone close,
feeling their heart beat,
knowing that as it paces,
it's transfering warmth into your core.

The warmth that we recieve,
comes from an involuntary beat.
But voluntary or not,
we share love through body heat.

May it beat faster with your partner meant to be.

Just Let Go

Judge this as you will...  I love everyone.

I'm a man of my word.

Wont tolerate those who say I'm absurd.  

Cause I'm a man tolerant of anything obscure.

If you call them a f**got,

Then I know you're not worth,

My energy and my time,

because you don't know how love works.

I don't care about gender

I care about fighting for what's right.

Judge who you will,

But my friends deserve life.

A life that is given,

Should thrive without judgement or trial.

A life is given the right to love others in time.

I could care less what they think.

What others think of me.

Honest souls that love another is all i can see.

Judge them how you will,

And judge as you wish to judge me.

Others long for a love,

That they have found to be.

...

Keep searching for love,

Is all i can say.

For soon it will find you

If you believe.

But dont scorn those who have found it

Because if you truly believe,

Love will only find you,

If you love others for free.