Choose your own title

I try not feel
and I'm convinced that I don't.

But I do when I'm expected to
and I hide when I feel alone.

There's a pain from a blade
that you've carelessly drug through my skin.
A blade that's sharper than a razor
because of a life together that's been.

Once upon a time,
these scars would have healed
and smoothed over in time
as feelings died and congealed.

But they're still here
because memories can't relieve
the way you looked into my eyes
With a trust I still can't believe.

And my hopeless mind can't forget
How it would be nice
if everyday,
I spent every hour loving you
without question
without doubt
without fear of losing you.

Again

I think I've forgotten how to feel
and most days I'm great at it
because I want to forget
how you made me feel once upon a time.

Still, I'd love to visit you for a while.

I dream of being in the same city
and my subconscious is consumed by
the idea that somehow you'll want to see me again.

What I wouldn't do to see your face again.
My conscious mind hates LA,
but my sleeping brain roams it's crowded streets
searching for those eyes
and that feeling again.

I dream of the same beach
night after night.
It's always the same 8 blocks of sand.

I walk up and down
sand caking my calloused feet,
I hold hope that any moment
I'll see your foot prints in the sand.

I know that I don't know you anymore
so I keep running from the unexplained.
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again.

Mid Dream

I've been listening to your prayers and sobs
Echoing off my chamber walls at night

Begging and pleading me to control my temper
My fire
My breath
And stand by your side

Maybe a little hasty

As intoxication ran like water into an icy glass,
I inhaled,
I swayed,
I shuttered under my lover's frozen grasp.

And each time I tried to pull away,
Her fists burned my wrists
to make me stay.

A prayer of prose.
a ribbon of flattery
and words tied up in bows...

There's a dragon breathing down my neck.
Its fire stolen from its breath.
Broken, damaged, but not yet dead.
It's sorrow reminds me of the blood I've shed.

Tired,
Broken,
Beaten down,
These broken bones always seem to heal somehow.

Still,
Bones hide in sacs of blood and skin,
While these scars tell stories of pain and sin.

How I'd love to melt this body down,
smooth the scars,
mend the bruises life's delt.

Still,
I suppose it's the scars we gain,
and the pain we endure,
that mold us into the beings we're meant to be
when we're pure.

How I love myself and all of my scars.
I wouldn't trade an hour,
a second,
of my broken heart.

Because as long as the wine
runs deep and red through my veins.
Intoxication holds hope
that you'll thaw my heart again.

Stars

It's so silly to write to someone who's not there.

Somebody save me,
Take me piece by piece
Now that I'm falling apart.

Put me back together,
Cause I'll make it through it.

There's a woman out there.
I know she can hear me callin.

I feel her love tearing through me
And I know she can feel me too

When I look to the stars,
I know I'm stopping her heart.

Kiss me at midnight
Kiss me where the big dipper starts,
And the north star falls apart.

.

I wanna feel weak in the knees.
Want someone to laugh
And be weird with me.

Sit and watch the sun rise
Melt as the sun's colors
dance in her eyes.

I feel her waiting
I feel her yearning for me.

Astronaut

I miss you.

Because I know shouldn't.

Because I've loved you too many times.

Because your boba stole my heart

And I've been trying to figure out where it went ever since.

I know where it's at.

And I know that you have it.

But I don't think you do.

So, I suppose it's time to get it back.

You won't know it's missing.

Will I feel it flying?

Will I know it's free?

Right now I swear I'll always feel you.

Holding my heart to yours.

A pain that I deserve.

Give me a reason,

For loving the space between,

For healing the ashes I've been running from.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

I hate you for forcing me to let go!

It's tearing me inside!

Will I be whole in time?

You're ripping me apart.

Maybe if I'm lucky I can,

Catch your stars.

Maybe I'm not alone.

I swear I won't leave you alone.

Letters to

So... I'm discovering that I wrote you a lot of letters... And I hope this isn't offensive or too weird. But I'm sifting through all my old writings and I just found this one. Please bear with me. I wanted to tell you all of this once upon a time.

October 23, 2013

Dear - ,

I had a 5 page letter drafted up to tell you how much you hurt me and how the past few months have fucking sucked. But after taking a few steps back to think on it, I want to tell you thank you. I can't say that I'm not angry and hurt. Such is the curse of being in love with a musician and a free spirit. 

Really, all I want is for you to be happy. I've not forgiven you yet but I know in time I will. Time will hopefully allow you to forgive me too. You're a phenomenal and talented musician. And more so a phenomenal and beautiful human being. You've inspired me to chase my crazy ass dreams, and for that I owe you a thank you. Despite what I say to help me cope, I don't regret a single moment of the life I shared with you. I hope I share it more someday, when I meet you at the top of both of our careers. Because you've awakened a part of me that met you at midnight in front of the  hanging tree. Midnight wants us, midnight wants us, midnight wants us to be. Be one. Be one, you and me. 

Stay passionate.

Stay passionate and positive, 

and know that you,

always have one fan routing for, 

routing for you. 

Sincerely,

Luke Disher

I'd Say It's Safe to Say I'm Bitter

I'm angry. 

I'm angry at you.

And right now I hate you.

I hate you for all the times I put myself aside.

Every night I've waited for you to show up.

Because you said you needed me.

You said you needed me.

So I stopped everything I was doing.

Made sure I was there to pick up broken pieces just for you.

Because I care about you.

And I hate that I do.

Because you're the flakiest person that I know.

I've wasted hours waiting.

Spent nights alone just waiting for you to show up.

You say you'll be here.

Because you need to be.

Five unanswered calls gone to voicemail later,

And I'm left drinking a beer by myself.

Watching a stupid movie I'd rented just for you.

I'm disappointed in you.

And disappointed in me for falling for your half truths,

Your bent truths, 

Your cowardice,

Your lies,

And your empty promises.

I've been there waiting to pick up the broken pieces time and time again.

Yet everytime it's me that you end up shattering. 

Quietly and alone.

I reassemble myself on my own. 

Just pay your rent on time, 

I'm turning out the lights. 

Good night.

Flying Over Fences

Why does it seem as though
I need intoxication
to feel like a real person?

Why can I not be whole and brave
without the high?

I can't seem to find the courage I need
when I'm sober because,
I hide behind
a smile, a laugh, and kisses good bye.

Just another way
my anxiety buys me more time.

Still,
I realize
I'm off on the wrong key.

I know I'm handsome and funny.
I've been granted a blessing.

Hazel eyes that keep missing,
The beautiful wings
I've been given to fly.

Fly
Fly
Fly
Fly

It plays over and over again in my mind

Fly
Fly
Fly
Fly

I can fly?

How long have I had wings?

One Night

Last night I dreamt of you.
You wrapped me up in strings made of orange juice.
A dream so bizarre it couldn't have any possible meaning.
But I suppose to me it did.
As you were measuring the angles of my broken ankle
with strings drenched in vitamin C,
I realized that you were healing me.

I've been broken for so long and you come along and, in a week's time, you don't fix me, but you open my wounds.
Its painful and it hurts.
Because now, the world is draining pus filled blisters I've been hiding under blankets of secrets and tattooed scars.
But infection was setting in,
And my soul was in eminent danger of festering.
In dire need of a good lancing and cleansing.

It was so easy when I felt nothing.
I didn't feel or know my loneliness.
I didn't ache,
I didn't cry,
I didn't truly laugh or feel joy either
But I didn't have to.
One night of holding you close,
Feeling your heart beat,
Feeling mine race
And my breath getting caught while the need to breath deeper and faster caught me off guard.
One night,
And I feel it all seeping in.
Everything I've been running from and hiding from.
Everything I swore I didn't want , didn't need and didn't care about.
But for some reason the world decided that I needed you.

Its hard to explain,
And I'm scared,
And I hate this part.
All the purging and stitching.
This itching and scratching as emotions start flowing through my veins again.
But the fate monster says its time,
And when he says its time,
There's no stopping it.
He knows what he wants.
And he gets and does what he wants.
So, he sent you.

You'll never know what you've done because I'll never tell you.
I'll never know how to repay you.
But once I make it through this,
After all the rehab,
The shaking,
The crying,
The screaming,
The dying over and over again on the floor
Maybe we can try again.

But now is not the time,
And maybe there never will be a right time.
If there never is, well then, that's OK.
Because One night,
With you asleep in my arms,
When I didn't want it to mean anything.
You gave me back everything.

Lets Try This Inside Out Thing

S.O.S.
Feelings gone
Steal my breath
Been too long.

M.I.A.
Can't find it now
Without a trace
Got lost somehow.

Acronyms searching
For abbreviated feelings
Buried deep in my core

I wonder why and where they went
And worry that its not normal when,

I don't understand
Your human ways

Sadness and joy
Anger and fear
Determination and love

I try them on just to see
What happens inside
But I don't stir
I won't wake
I thought it was time

For some strange reason
I laugh when I'm sad
Cry when I'm happy
Feel numb when I'm mad

I can't comprehend
And so I'll pretend

Though I hope that one day,
I'll get it again

where you are

So many societal strings,
tying me down,
keeping you from me.

I'd love nothing more,
than to be where you are.

To help you with the garden,
build chicken coops,
install your new floor.

How I'd love to meet Bodhi,
we'd make messes together,
but laugh and have fun while we do.

And I'll make it all up,
because at the end of the day,
I'll romance you at sunset,
and take you away.

With smooth rhythm we'll dance,
and I'll spin you around.
Get lost in your eyes,
never look down.

Your hair flowing softly,
in the warm summer breeze.
I'll kiss you so gently,
so passionately.

I'd love nothing more,
than to be where you are.

To see you,
to kiss you,
to hold you in my arms.

Sister George

I want to say thank you,
to the ceiling,
to the air.

You've blessed me with so many blessings,
and I've conquered so many fears.

I know that's kind of cryptic.
and if Sister George would lend an ear,

would she stop by to deliver a scolding,
or would her intentions be so pure,

as to pardon my intrusion,
in a world that's solely hers,

and could she see my heart for what it is,
and take away my hurt?

I'm not sure what I am,
or where I am,
or who I've been,

I'm not so sure of what I stand for,
and I'm at the mercy of the earth.

We've not met before,
but I hear your just down stairs.

I'm no afraid of you,
and I hope you're not afraid of dares.

I dare you to find me,
make me believe that magic's there.

And if it is,
with all my might,

your finger trailing down my spine's
made me a believer tonight.

resounding

I've awoken to play you a song in my sleep.

Jagged and fluid,
the melody keeps,

memories and lyrics
and fanciful dreams.

I'll play you a ditty that reminds you of me.

The rhythm is perfect,
and timing is key,
my mind is pure madness
still peaceful, it dreams.

Not of colors or stories,
no images seen,
only shadows and tidbits
of pieces of me.

Mysteries and Monsters Revisited

Is the threat that real?
Lady Mary Ellen makes an appeal.
For she had invested in,
the heart of a man drenched in sin.

His selfish gain he sought,
and so he lied.
Because her money was,
where his heart was tied.

And then one day,
she found his box of charades.
So she served him up,
papers to break their chains.

Now her castle lies,
in the hands of her kin.
And nothing more was heard,
from the man of sin.

questions to answer

When we think about our lives from the perspective of another,
what conclusions do we draw about our character?

Are we happy or surly?
Confident or submissive?
Ambitious or lazy?
Reliable or flakey?

Let's just think for a moment,
about how strange it is to examine ourselves through another perspective.

We know who we are.
Or maybe we don't.
And does either matter?

Are our lives predetermined?
Or are we writing our own history and legacy as we go along?

When we reach the last few moments of our lives,
how would we feel about the life we are currently living?

Would we feel fulfilled?
Would we have regerets?
Would we feel like we need more time?
Are we content with the life we've lived?
How do we want to be remembered?
And on that same note,
will we be remembered?

Everything and everyone that touches our lives,
shapes us into the person that we have become.

How do we want our legacy to shape the world we will leave behind?

2-4-15 12:19am

A stiff breeze takes up its practice,
and with their heads held high,
they begin to take their leave from solid earth.

Unsure of where they were supposed to haunt,
spectral wanderings,
become lucid,
crystalized,
in ancient dirt.

--------

Bouyant specs of silence
rest on horizon,
and Little Eva beats a course for home.

Just 5 miles due south of the harbor,
a hurricane changes path
to flex its muscles on her hull.

Mother nature reclaims every soul.

just a couple questions

Do you believe in God?
I dont know. I believe is some guiding force or power.  And whether its a power outside of myself, my belief in a power outside of myself, or my own willpower disguised as an exterior force that some people would call God.  I tend to call it the Fate Monster.  I don't know why, but that's just what resonates with me.
I believe the idea of a god is good for people and humanity.  It instills a sense of morality through the classic "big brother is watching you" idea.  So I think belief in a god can have a very positive effect on humanity. But I also believe that the idea of a god can harm man and humanity when we start arguing about who has the better god.

Do you believe in miracles?
Yes, I believe miracles happen every day. I believe that if one truely believes, with every fiber of their being, that a miracle will pull them through a difficult time, it has potential to become true.  I do have a tendency to believe that most miracles, like terminal cancer that seems to magically disassapear, are a result of some chemical interactions or processes that the human brain has power to control.  I do think that our brains have the power to heal our bodies.  But with that premise, if a person believes strongly enough, that God or another spiritual being will miraculously cure their illness and their cancer does seem to miraculously disappear, well then, I don't see any reason to disaggre with the argument that a miracle has manifested itself through that person's profound belief in God or their higher power.  But when you think about it, isnt one's belief in God or a higher power controled by the brain?

I also think that it's important to recognize that medical miracles are just a small portion of the thousands of miracles that occur each day.   We call positive events that unfold with no logical explanation or against overwhelming odds, "miracles". Following this popular definition, miracles can potentially manifest themselves through anything, not just God.

moths

She has this vulnerability about her.
It draws people in.
Not because they want to take advantage of it.
But because they want to be touched by it.

Such a raw,
spiritual being.
She reminds one of the fragility of the human condition.
And we are drawn to people like her,
like a moth to a flame.

We know she may turn on us if we do her wrong.
So we must do her right,
and keep our hands strong.

One can't help but be drawn to trust her,
to love her.

Her purity makes us weak in the knees,
and her sadness makes us angry with rage.

Ready to love,
ready to fight,
ready to take her hand
and walk by her side,
in the darkest of times.

Lady Purple's Magic Kiss

She came to me last night,
with belladonna on her lips.

She said, I know that we're over,
but can you spare just one last kiss?

I know you can't remember,
but it's been a tough December.

And now it's time to clear my head,
but I can't move on until you're dead.

do not disturb

I'm sorry grim reaper.
You're going to have to come back later.

I'm writing letters to loved ones,
and it can't wait till later.

And I'm writing down vows,
to save my soul from myself.

Because as it stands now,
I'm riding first class,
on a train straight to Hell.

And it may be too late,
but can you blame me for trying?

I have too many words,
and no spare time left for dying.

paper wall

That blank page can become anything.

The first stroke decides what it is.

There's something so daunting about the power of this stroke.

But once the tip of your brush,
hits the grooves of your paper,
exhilaration takes hold as imaginations unfold

gates

Have you seen this girl?

She's all dressed up in lace,
with a faded smile painted onto her face.

How I'd live to miss her,
to love her,
to kiss her.

Sipping serotonin,
cause she's already high,
she signs her name on God's arm,
to let him know she's stopping by.

She chants to the world,
"Spread your wings!"
"You can fly!"
"Your being is still young!"
"Follow me!"
"To the sky!"

There's a Ring

There's a ring.

There's always a ring.

And as all tall tales go,
this wasn't just an ordinary ring.

It was a special ring,
just as all stories about rings are.

For when the bearer places the ring on his finger,
his veins turn to silver,
and his eyes turn to gold.

carols

on Comet, on Blitzen
on Donner, on Cupid

I can't seem to get these damn reindeers straight

I'm down and I'm broken
or I am half listening

cause chemicals play with the thoughts in my brain

hooked

ships of rocks
and rocks of ships

the gold in my hand's
has been mistaken for sex

can she feel it now in the palm of her hand?
lust becomes dust in Neverland

i'll tell you a story dear listener, now
all about a boy strung out

drunk on lust he'd mistaken for love
ashamed of the way his life turned out

so he spends his dark hours
toasting to meteor showers

blowing kisses of wishes
to keep the demons at bay

seeking salvation for the life that he leads
he bleeds music and lyrics so he can be saved

its not catnip its chamomile

Oh, Socks from My Early Twenties, You Will Rest in a Frame One Day

be kind

A Beautiful Day

It was a beautiful day. Mid-70s, slightly breezy, full sunshine with a few wispy clouds dancing in the big atmosphere. I decided to set up shop on the balcony for a day of drawing, sketching , painting etc.  The cats were out with me, sunbathing.  A lazy creative day all to myself.

I had just started a new sketch, practicing my perspectives while utilizing multiple vanishing points, when I heard a piecing scream from the building just down the catwalk.  It was loud and jarring.  But it didn't stop with just one scream.  The woman continued to scream.  This scared the cats and they beelined for the bed. I closed the door and ran to see if the woman that was screaming needed any assistance.

That's when a kid, probably about the same age as my brother, ran down the cat walk opposite me.  He could see from where he was, and something in the way his face contorted let me know that something was very wrong.

The woman's screams morphed into high-pitched demands.

"Make it stop!" "Make it stop!"

When I reached the other side, I saw a young woman probably no older than myself.  She was laying on the ground, bathed in blood, with bones protruding through the flesh around her knee caps.  A man that lived close to where these strange events were occurring ran to call 911.

The young woman had jumped off the balcony.  I don't, and probably never will, know the reasons for why she jumped.  Her life will probably be forever changed.  Admittedly, I suppose mine will too. I'm still shaking.

One day I'll make sense of everything that is happening around me in this complex.  One day, I swear, I will be making enough to move to a nicer part of town, buy my father a nice truck that won't break down, help my mother get sober, and be a real role-model for my brother.

God grant me the strength to make it through this portion of my life.  I swear I'll carry these lessons to help more lives than mine.

The Fortune Cookie Gods

The Fortune Cookie Gods
He's messing with me,
the invisible man.
He comes to me in my dreams.

Invisible face,
half way a being,
half way a presence,
half way a prayer.

He turns out lights and he knocks on walls,
the little green man living in us all.

Conquer the lust,
conquer the fear,
conquer your dreams.
You're half way there.

8:19pm 1-4'-15
Three gunshots slice through the night.
Then a car starts.

(Don't look, don't you dare.
Don't be a witness.
Lay down,
pretend you don't care.)

They drive away quickly.

(Silence)

Stay there.

All quiet.
Wind blowing,
A body is bloating,
spoiling in the mid-summer air.

(Someone else can find it there.)

But while monsoons pour water,
cutting like knives,
cleaning and opening your wounds.

Guilt spins cobwebs like spiders,
as the power inside us,
trades our lives for our spirit.

Get out of there,
too long,
and too scared.

You're a brave bastard lad,
but without a mind, without a care.

Still,
the invisible man is always here.